In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize