I hate all girls vehemently.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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