really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
