I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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