hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
