Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
