that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
