sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
