Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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