I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
