how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
