I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
