I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
