My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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