yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
