He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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