guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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