I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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