If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
