Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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