I am in a vortex of obligation.
i dont even know how to be here
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
