We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
