You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
