The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
