I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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