420 ftw
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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