On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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