My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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