Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
