I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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