$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
