whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
