I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
