You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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