I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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