I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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