This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
