Just cropdusted the office
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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