he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i out mim tonsoeep
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