Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
