for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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