I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
