My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's blow job season.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
