where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
