woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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