Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
