they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
