People with herpes should wear stickers.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
