I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
