if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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