Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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