he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
