My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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