yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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