If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
