literally had 100 drinks last night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
