Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
